Back to work this week, and I feel surprisingly not anxious. I should be. I'm going to be teaching 19 credits. Five classes. All are full but one, and it only has about 6 seats. I should only be teaching four (at four credits each) but I have to figure a way to pay for K's preschool since Idaho doesn't provide it. I certainly don't have an extra $5,000 laying around. I'm sure spring semester will leave me nearly as ragged as fall did, but at least I won't be a fresh full-timer, I won't move one month in, and I won't have to deal with a break-up...more like a divorce without the paperwork.
Generally, spring should be easier on both of us. We should find the rhythm, and the bumps should be manageable. I should have a mostly commute-free summer semester to look forward to if I get my fingers-and-toes-and-legs-crossed wish of teaching a class online.
The balance isn't easy, though. Five days a week, I'm a mother to a 3.5-year-old little boy. Two days a week, I'm a single, 31-year-old woman. Woman. That term still sounds odd to me. Lady? Girl. I still look like one. I am making friends again but still feel tentative as I'm not sure what role to play. I want to be friends with other parents, but then what about my weekends? Parents hang out with their kids. Wives hang out with husbands. I am kidless. It's lovely to have time to breathe, read, write, hike, (grade papers, write proposals...) but it's weird time. I'm sure I'll get used to filling it better, but I feel a bit aimless sometimes. Thankfully it's usually too short to waste. The ski pass doesn't hurt, either.
My overactive mind has always made things like parties and going dancing difficult for me. I'd truly be much happier sitting in a corner booth with a clear view of the room, drinking a beer, and just watching and eavesdropping. Or having an eavesdropping-worthy conversation myself. I am trying dancing because it's uncomfortable, and somehow it's healthy to do things that make me uncomfortable sometimes. My coworkers are also quite persuasive.
What I miss is being known--it's nice to have family here because that's comfortable. But otherwise I'm still new to everyone. And truly, with the exception of my sisters, over the past ten years, it's friends who know me better. I want to hang out with people who know my quirks. People who have seen me melt down, deal with depression, make stupid decisions, and love me through it. Many of these people are in Florida, and a few are in Montana. I have a tendency to try too hard to be someone worth befriending when I am first getting to know people. I'm trying to chill out. Problem is, I suddenly have more energy to invest in people than I have in years. I'm sure my 125 or so students will happily zap most of that energy come next Tuesday, but I still find great joy in being a good friend. I suppose I should just do what brings me joy and stop worrying about being annoying.
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